


wish i was good enough

by roses_are_red_only_in_the_summertime



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Hurt Sugawara Koushi, Light Angst, Sugawara Koushi Needs A Hug, Sugawara Koushi-centric, no beta we die like men, some intrusive thoughts, someone please give suga a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 09:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28668261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roses_are_red_only_in_the_summertime/pseuds/roses_are_red_only_in_the_summertime
Summary: “He’d never tell anyone, but he hated that Kageyama became the official setter.And yes, he knew it was wrong. Selfish. A little hypocritical, seeing as he told coach Ukai that it was okay. But he couldn’t help it.All of his hard work seemed to mean nothing.”oRAfter the starting lineup is announced, Suga has to deal with feelings he didn’t expect to have. Alone, of course, because telling anyone  would mean having everyone else feel guilty.And he didn’t want that. Not when Kageyama was clearly the better choice.
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi & Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	wish i was good enough

**Author's Note:**

> greetings :)
> 
> this is just a little dive into how i think suga felt after the starting lineup was announced. it’s a completely self indulgent oneshot, written to get the creative juices flowing again. i don’t love it, but figured i might as well put it on here. 
> 
> hope you enjoy!

He’d never tell anyone, but he hated that Kageyama became the official setter. 

And yes, he knew it was wrong. Selfish. A little hypocritical, seeing as he told coach Ukai that it was okay. But he couldn’t help it. 

All of his hard work seemed to mean nothing. 

The moment it was announced, he felt like crying. 

His eyes stung and he had to blink the wetness away not to embarrass himself. Everyone was watching. He couldn’t show how much it affected him, not to the whole team. Not when it would ruin Kageyama’s moment and make him feel even guiltier about the whole thing. 

Instead, he put on the most genuine smile he could and reassured the first year that it was okay. 

There would be time for tears later, once he was alone. 

He tried to be happy about it, he really did. It was the best thing for the team and they all knew it. This would get them the win they needed. And they deserved to win, so if Kageyama was their best shot, he just had to accept it.

But he hated that too. Hated that he wasn’t good enough to compete with a first year. Hated that he never even stood a chance. Hated that all his time practicing, all his time learning and watching and playing just wasn’t enough.  _ But it was for the best. Kageyama was better. _ He just had to accept it.

At least he didn’t hate Kageyama. That he knew for certain. He was a little jealous of his talent, maybe, but he couldn’t resent him. The boy clearly hated the idea of taking his place just as much, if not more. And it wasn’t his fault. He was just better, and Sugawara would just have to deal.

The game against Aoba Johsai was a mess at first, but they pulled it together. And honestly… Kageyama lived up to everything everyone said about him. Sure, he could use some work in the communication and temper department, but his talent was beyond comparison. 

It was then, standing on the sidelines as the team rejoiced at their win, that the hatred dissolved. It was replaced by a feeling of worthlessness, of watching the friends he’d played with for two years win without him as if he’d never even made a difference. He could be discarded and replaced, like it meant nothing. 

The thought only lasted a second, as he got caught up in the celebrations afterwards, but it stuck at the back of his mind. With every cheer and smile and congratulations thrown around, he had to make an effort not to think about it. 

Regardless, the thoughts returned that night as he stared sleeplessly at the ceiling, willing himself not to cry. 

_ I wish I didn’t feel this way. _

Was it wrong for him to be jealous? Did it make him a horrible person? He felt like a horrible person. And all those things he felt after the match… Was it stupid to feel so betrayed? But also so damn guilty? The guys were doing great. Without him. Did the team even really need him? 

_ That’s stupid. Of course they need you. _

Despite his best efforts, tears still fell. He tried to wipe them away, to keep holding himself together, but it was just a little too much right now. 

_ I’m being stupid. No one thinks any less of me, right? It doesn’t matter that Kageyama is a first year. He’s a better player, and that’s all that matters. Doesn’t mean I’m not good, just means he’s better.  _

If he truly believed that, why was he so upset?

He wished he could call Daichi. Daichi always knew exactly what to say whenever he felt awful. But right now, he didn’t think he even needed anything special. Just someone to listen. Someone to tell him it was okay to be upset, it didn’t make him a horrible person. For ten minutes, he didn’t want to pretend he was fine with all of it. 

He reached for his phone, ready to unlock it and dial his best friend’s number, but he couldn’t. Not about this. Daichi would just feel guilty about him not being able to play in his final year. Sugawara knew how strongly he’d felt about coach Ukai’s decision before, if he admitted how he felt now...

_ I’ll just have to do better _ , he told himself.  _ Find a way to make a difference from the sidelines. Then maybe I’ll contribute enough that this feeling will go away.  _

He let his phone drop back onto his bedside table, ignoring the newest feeling all of this had brought out: being completely and utterly alone, with no one to turn to who’d understand.

The tears didn’t cease until sleep took him. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> let me know what you think or if there are any mistakes i should know about. 
> 
> have a wonderful rest of your day :)


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